Visiting the Dead

A few years ago I read Philippe Aries' Western Attitudes toward Death: From the Middle Ages to the Present. From what I remember Aries follows the change of attitudes of most western cultures toward death and dying including changes in ceremony, location of cemeteries, shifts in language used to talk about dying, etc. Basically most western cultures don't want to think about death; we want to push cemeteries as far from the center buzz of busy cities as possible. With modern medicine don't always know when actual death happens. Death has become an interruption for the living. So, Aries convincingly observes.

Aries' words surfaced the other day as I was driving with some Tongan friends, and one of the girls mentioned she hadn't been to see her brother in awhile so she needed to go see him. I asked where he lived. She said, "He's dead, so my family usually goes to have a BBQ or something where he is buried." I wanted to ask more questions, but it didn't seem entirely appropriate. Then she gently touched a picture of her brother that was posted on her dashboard and said, "I'll come by soon, bro."

There was no sign of interruption, inconvenience, or intrusion of her brother's death upon the lives of the living. He was still a part of the family, included in weekend picnics, holiday celebrations and everyday conversations.

A few days ago a 19 year-old Samoan girl from one of the local UMC congregations committed suicide. The funeral was not limited to one specific hour; rather family and friends gathered for a whole day, beginning at 3:00pm and going on through the night to the early morning. There was food, singing, testimonials, remembrances, tears, laughter, pictures, videos...friends and family gathering to honor, celebrate and remember the dead, and supporting one another.

I want to learn more about these island customs of death. Maybe they stem from the importance of family. When I first moved here I was told the two most important things on the islands are Family and food. Sometimes I think mainland people will joke that everyone on the islands are related; everyone is someone's brudda, sis, auntie, or cousin. Death does not take away these relations; the dead continue to be a part of the family, included in the lives of the living by more than just a yearly visit to place flowers at a marker.

I wonder what Aries would say about death in this culture.